I buried myself in soap operas to block out your constant whining. It didn’t help, but I did notice your new haircut—it made you look like a girl! I kept quiet because my mom always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.”
Oh, and that meal you cooked for me? You must’ve confused me with MY SISTER since I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
As for the silk boxers, I ignored the $49.99 price tag and tried not to notice that my sister borrowed $50 from me that same morning.
Despite everything, I wanted to make things work. So when I hit the $10 million lottery, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were already gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. My lawyer confirmed your letter guarantees you won’t see a dime of my winnings.
Best of luck.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich & Free!