Dear Ex-Husband,
Receiving your letter was the highlight of my day! It’s true we were married for seven years, but calling you a good man is a stretch.
I’ve been glued to my soap operas to drown out your endless complaints. It didn’t help much, but I did notice your new haircut—it made you look like a girl! I kept quiet because my mother taught me to only speak if it’s kind.
And when you made my favorite meal, you must have confused me with MY SISTER, as I gave up pork seven years ago.
As for those new silk boxers, I turned away when I saw the $49.99 price tag, hoping it was just a coincidence that my sister borrowed $50 from me that morning.
Despite everything, I still hoped we could fix things. So when I won the lottery for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were already gone. Everything happens for a reason. I wish you the best in your new life. My lawyer assured me that your letter means you won’t see a penny of my winnings.
Take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!