Some highlights:
- $300 for Matt’s glasses: “Because you didn’t notice his vision was deteriorating.”
- $2,500 for a new wardrobe: “To replace the outdated, unflattering clothes you let him wear.”
- $200 for therapy: “To undo the emotional damage caused by your neglect.”
- $1,000 for a new mattress: “Because the one you bought gave him back pain.”
- $500 for a fitness coach: “To rebuild his confidence after your marriage.”
Total: Over $5,000. She ended with, “As his wife, I’ve invested heavily in fixing him. It’s only fair you contribute.”
I was tempted to write a scathing reply, but instead, I sent her a counter-invoice.
Here’s a snippet:
Subject: Response to Invoice for Outstanding Expenses
Dear Stephanie,
Thank you for your email. I must admit, it gave me quite the laugh! Since you’re itemizing expenses, I thought I’d do the same.
- $10,000 for managing household responsibilities while Matt played video games for five years.
- $15,000 for emotional labor, including booking his doctor appointments, reminding him to call his mom, and rewriting his resume.
- $5,000 for lost brain cells from entertaining his business ideas—like the app that matches people based on their favorite pizza toppings.
Total: $30,000. Payable in full by next Friday.
Warm regards,
Your predecessor
Just for fun, I CC’d a few mutual friends. My phone blew up with messages like, “Emma, this is iconic!” and “I’m framing this email!” Stephanie’s attempts to defend herself only made her look worse, claiming she was “setting things right” and “protecting Matt from his baggage.”
A few days later, Matt called.
“Emma, I’m so sorry,” he said, sighing. “I had no idea she’d do that.”
It was the first apology I’d ever gotten from him.
“Matt,” I said, “just make sure you pay my invoice.”
At a party a few weeks later, someone jokingly asked Matt if he’d paid me back for the “emotional labor.” He turned bright red and left early.
Now, whenever Stephanie’s name comes up, someone inevitably says, “Oh, you mean the one with the bill?”
And honestly? I have no regrets.